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Random Epiphany

May 8, 2010

“Make some room in your apartment because I may have to move to Chicago with you.”

This is what a friend said to me once when her fiance and she were having a bad few weeks/months.  “If he leaves me”, she said, “he will still be everywhere I look.  We grew up together, we grew into who we are together.”  I never really realized how true to life these statement were…  until she was my friend, no longer…

When I drive down the highway, to the mall which I now live closest to, I can hear our giggling as she repeats, “Those damn refluckers!!!  I hate those damn refluckers.”  When it rains I think of that time that my daddy told us not to put the top down because it was going to rain but we did anyway.  We laughed so hard we almost peed ourselves as we tried desperately to get that convertible top back up while still driving down the road in the rain.

Sometimes as I am just sitting quietly, tapping my fingers, I look at them and laugh as I think to myself, “Hey, they ski!!”  When I see a girl with really bad hair I think, “Humm… Maybe she is going for that I need a brush look!?”  When someone says something really dumb, I think, “With the brain; without the brain??”  Every time “Girls Just Wanna have fun” comes on the radio, or I see a little girl wearing a spoon ring, I tear up.

When I see a Geo Tracker or a firetruck, I think of our adventures with boys.  When I run across an old picture, I cry.  Sometimes when I am just cleaning my closet, I cry.  There is no rational reason behind my thoughts.  They are just there.  There at the corner of State & Elm where our “guy behind the counter” worked.  There when I eat Chinese and think of being completely trashed together and adding “son” to end of everything.  There when I walk through Old Saint Charles with an ice cream cone and no best friend by my side.

Some days I am really mad and others I am just really sad.  Some days I want to call her up and scream and others I just want to tell her how much I miss her.  Some days I write these long pointless letters that will never be sent and some days I just scream at her in the car while I am driving down the road alone.  Losing your best friend is like getting a divorce…

Someone recently said something to me that really struck a cord with me; it was so poignant.  “You never stop loving someone; you just learn to live without them”  The moment he spoke the words I thought of the best friend I once had…

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